angryhearts | Lust, forgetful of future suffering, hurries us along the forbidden path

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Lust, forgetful of future suffering, hurries us along the forbidden path

WHO: Wei Wuxian (novel) and You!

WHAT: Wei Wuxian has been given a lust tea..no one shall be spared!

WHEN: After the event ends for a week

WHERE: All around the hotel

NOTES: Content warnings: He's lustful..depending on who he encounters, things could get spicey. Feel free to meet him and give him a good slap if he gets too feely, or feel free to treat him to a drink to fulfill that need for company! And then tell him to get lost...

Wei Wuxian was glad he could see again. Being blind had been rather inconvenient, even if it could have been much worse. He's pretty sure not being able to talk would have been a much bigger inconvenience for him personally. So in a way he was thankful. He had also discovered several new parts of the building that he would have to find again, now that he could actually see what they looked like.

But when it was all over, there was an empty jar left in his room. He couldn't quite understand it at the time because it simply had a note from the lady of the hotel and the word "LUST" written on it. He just figured it was a unique gift and had set it aside as a decorative piece. But then later that day the feelings started and he realized that the hotel might be playing another trick on him. He hadn't eaten or drunk anything yet so he knew that it wasn't because of that.

He couldn't quite put his finger on it yet, but something was just a little off about him today. He found himself wanting..everything. Or was it everyone? He wasn't sure but he was going to have to be careful. A sensible person would have stayed in their room and tried to figure out what was going on, but Wei Wuxian could not stay contained in one spot for too long. So he was wandering the hallways.

All he knew was that he wanted food, drink and company in the worst way...

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After the door closes, Wei Wuxian collapses onto the bed as if all the energy has left his body and he can't possibly hold himself up any longer. He starts to tremble and he wraps his arms around himself to try and stop it.

Too fast..it was all just too fast..This world likes to push ones boundaries..to warp their senses and their bodies and their emotions. And Wei Wuxian is a literal cornucopia of emotional turmoil. The hotel is enjoying a buffet tonight, as its lust potion leaves it's host as a shell of a person.

The tears that now flow freely onto his pillow are a combination of many of those emotions. He's angry at himself for hurting Lan Wangji. For bringing him to this point and then pushing him away. He knows how upset that man was and he did nothing to fix it. He simply let him leave, unable to do or say anything to fix it. He's also angry for his weakness. His inability to properly convey his feelings or even understand them in the first place.

Did he also care for Lan Wangji in that way? The man used the world 'love' but is that even possible for Wei Wuxian? Every person he has ever loved has been taken from him. The only family he ever knew. His Senior Sister. Even Jiang Cheng is lost from him. It's only fair that Lan Wangji should also be added to the list. Destroyed because of his own selfish actions.

The tears also fall from sadness, his heart feeling irrevocably broken. Whereas Lan Wangji is irrevocably in love..Wei Wuxian feels like he has no right to ever feel that way. He just pushed away the only person in this or the other world that loves him, and even though Lan Wangji said his feelings would never change, how can Wei Wuxian possibly believe that? When he is in a hotel that is based on lies and deception, can he really believe what anyone has to say? But deep down he knows that every word the other man said is true in his heart but that does little to resolve his fears.

After awhile the tears finally cease and Wei Wuxian pushes himself up. His body feels weak, as it normally does anytime he experiences any sort of emotional stress. And this ranks high on the stress meter. But he wants to get cleaned up and try to wash away some of the disgrace he feels. Feet touch the wooden floor and he pushes himself up unsteadily. The bathroom feels like an eternity away but slowly he stumbles his way there, gripping chairs and tables for support. He runs himself a bath, lowering himself into it while it is still filling. He adjusts his hair so that it is atop of his head and not dragging in the water. And he cups the water in his hands and splashes it first upon his face, removing the tracks the tears took down his cheeks.

He lays there for awhile, well past when the water went from hot to room temperature. He needed to figure out what to do because he couldn't just avoid Lan Wangji forever. It would be fair to him and Wei Wuxian wasn't sure he could live with himself if he tried to do that. And slowly as the water washed away the weariness, his mind also came to a few decisions. It would take time to understand and accept everything. And he had questions he needed answers to..but couldn't get, or rather didn't want to get, from the source.

With the bath complete, and his mind and body feeling better, he went to bed. Allowing himself a chance to sleep and clear his mind. Tomorrow would be a new day and a new chance as figuring things out..hopefully completely clear of any potions or distractions from the hotel.

Three days later

Wei Wuxian has kept himself mostly secluded, meditating at times and other times just finding ways to entertain himself in the room. He needed space and he couldn't bring himself to go outside in case he ran into Lan Wangji. He couldn't face him until he was ready. Until he really knew what he wanted to say.

And perhaps this still wasn't really enough time but at least he had gotten over his initial shock and had time to weigh Lan Wangji's words in his mind. He still didn't fully trust them, and probably wouldn't while they were in this hotel. But he accepts it as a possible truth and therefore won't just brush it off. However, he is still not ready to just throw caution to the wind and jump into a relationship full steam ahead. In his mind lust and love were too very different animals and after having time to get the lust out of his system and be able to think about it, he wasn't ready to commit to love. But he was committed to his friendship with Lan Wangji and as long as the other was willing to wait for him, then that was all Wei Wuxian needed at that moment.

And so he finally ventured out of his room, cautiously glancing down the hallway to see if anyone else was out. Not seeing anyone and being silently thankful for that he emerges completely and shuts his door. He needs to put some space between him and his room in order to be able to fully extinguish that need to hide away and to prove to himself that he is going to be fine.

Over the course of the next few days, Lan Wangji did his part to stay away and hides in seclusion. To reflect and meditate on his errors and weakness, but moreso the enduring heartache. He avoided people, wanting to reflect quietly on his memories and his thoughts. He's determined not to see him, not wanting to cause him any pain or distress since the incident.

He does activities from morning until evening, to rid himself of desire and taught himself to forget what happened, even if it's for a little while. He went to the gym to work out, take a swim, and do rock climbing. Going to spa helps ease the stress, but emotionally his heartaches. While it helps distract his mind, it does little to none to ease the depression and grief in his heart and the oppression of feeling like a prisoner in this place is becoming a burden.

Without bichen or his instrument to practice on, or even the softness of his rabbits to hold and hug his worries away and the wisdom of his older brother to bring him comfort, the activities bore him. Each day becomes repetitive, dull, and tedious as yesterday. More than anything, he craves to go home, but not without Wei Wuxian whole and sort out issues in their friendship and rocky relationship that keeps giving him mixed signals.

Normally he doesn't care for a relationship, but each time his mind wonders to the kiss in the inn, and what transpired in the bedroom a few days, it's becoming unbearable and he reached the conclusion that the Yiling Patriarch don't feel the same for him. Regardless of his reckless actions, his actions don't connect to what he feels for him, so it's not returned and he doesn't feel the same.

To help put the distance between him and his friend, he finds the teas. He drank each one. Anger, sadness, joy. Any emotion to fill his emptiness with, and calm his mind.

All the emotions made him feel more hollow, but at least, he reached a state where he doesn't bother feeling anything at all. He continues to feel hollow. None of the teas ease the pain and the fervent fire of his love for him doesn't go away or die on its own. It kept on burning no matter what he does to try to quell it.

But he did reach the conclusion that if he and Wei Wuxian meet again, he'll stay as friends and be his companion and confidante. Staying by his side and fight for him. Nothing more than that. His love for him will be one-sided...and he taught himself to be fine with that.

So, should they meet again, Lan Wangji is all over the hotel, wherever Wei Wuxian should bump into him. The pool, the gym, the bar...wherever which room is available, Lan Wangji wanders aimlessly without direction or purpose. Dispassionate. Without any feeling and getting addicted to the teas like a drug without knowing it that they are highly addictive like drugs.

Even alone in the bar, Lan Wangji drinks the teas on his own. Hollow. Quiet. Without passion. Meditating on thoughts on his own. Waiting for him perhaps. To say anything to him.

Of course the first place Wei Wuxian goes is the bar. Because he figures that's the one place he wouldn't run into Lan wangji and because after being cooped up for three days, he really needed a drink. And so he made it to the lobby and headed straight to the bar and just as took he one step inside of it, he stopped.

He had been wrong...there sat the very man he has been avoiding for three days. Wei Wuxian squashed down his first inclination to flee from the scene immediately and before being detected. He knew that this meeting was inevitable and he had already decided how he was going to proceed. All he needs to do is..see it through.

But that doesn't mean there isn't hesitation. Fear that Lan Wangji is mad at him for what he did, for the choices he's made and for the decision he has ultimately come to. One foot in front of the other, Wei Wuxian finally makes his way into the bar, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly to try and calm his nerves. There is nothing else he has to do besides plop himself down beside the other man and act as calm as he can.

And so that is what Wei Wuxian does. Except he doesn't say a word. He simply slides into the seat next to Lan Wangji and orders a drink. A strong one. The strongest the bartender can possibly give him. Because he is going to need it.

Lan Wangji is staring off to space, looking out the window where the sun is in perpetual twilight. It never rises. The scenery around the hotel is always the same. Same forest. Same lake. Same far-off city to the north. There's no exit to explore outside.

He's staving off, not drinking anymore of the teas, especially the blue colored tea that inspires despair and sadness. Lan Wangji simply sat there, feeling hollow, with a blank expression, and not saying a word at first. The blue color tea helps him feeling somewhat numb.

But he did turn to look at him, to acknowledge his presence. Until finally, tone soft.

"Wei Ying...?"

He looks over and smiles at the other man. "Good morning, Lan Zhan..ah..is it morning? Maybe it's afternoon by now.." He looks towards the window that Lan Wangji had been staring at but that isn't much help either. He can only assume what time it is so he will go with his first assumption of it being morning.

Either way he thanks the bartender for the drink that has just been delivered and takes a nice long swig of it.

He doesn't smile back. His face stony and neutral, expressionless and without any passion. Probably his usual self, this self that Wei Wuxian is accustomed to.

"Mn. Noon." He corrects him. But there is no time as a real measure.

Then seeing his smiles and his drinking, he frowns. Scowling. As if hidden emotions that he tried to suppress the days before before has risen. Seeing the glass of his drink, he felt...offended somehow.

Reaching for the drink, before the glass touches his lips, with quick reflexes, he grabs the cup to pull it away from him.

"No. Mine."

Wei Wuxian yelps and tries to keep the drink from him. "You could have had your own while you were sitting here! Why do you have to take mine?"

He really doesn't want to have to deal with drunk Lan Wangji. He's not mentally prepared for such an event. Though considering he was stilling at the bar perhaps he was already too late. He has no idea what the other man has been drinking while he was here.

He dranks the multicolor teas hours ago. The side-effects lingered, but he had stop drinking those teas at one point. Lan Wangji stared at the glass of the drink. A mixture of joy, sadness, anger, misery over his feelings of this fool become all rolled into one.

Cooly, keeping his temper in check. "You spend more time drinking than focusing on your cultivation."

He then got up, heads toward the sink behind the bar, indifferent to the waiters and bartender telling him he's not allowed in this area. He can't open the window because it was sealed shut, so the sink would do.

Tipping the glass down, he pours over the drink into the sink, and much to his satisfaction, he watches the drink go down the drain.

He looks on in horror as his precious drink goes down the drain. It's a good thing he didn't have to spend money on that otherwise he would have been significantly more upset. As it is he knows that he can always get another one.

"I don't need to focus on it, Lan Zhan! Especially not here!" Cultivation is pointless in this world so why bother practicing it? The only things this world lets them have is some rest and relaxation and the occasional frustrating event.

He could cry though as the drink he needed to calm his nerves is no longer in his hands..and now he needs one even more!

For the days he has been feeling hollow and empty, weeks, and nearly a month, he has finally lost his patience for this man that is worth 13 years of pining, and he is angry.

Once empty, he puts the empty glass down and sat back next to him in the seat, crossing his arms and sulking.

"Excuses. You lost focus."

Wei Wuxian slams his hands down on the bar and stands up. Clearly deciding to come out was a mistake. He never should have left his room and now he is being scolded. Not that he doesn't deserve it, but being scolded about loosing focus is hardly what he wants to hear about right now.

He pushes away from the bar and turns to leave. He doesn't know where he is going, but the last thing he wants is to get in a fight, especially with Lan Wangji when things are already rocky.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to be focused on, but I do know that I'm no longer interested in finding out."

He'll find a drink somewhere.

The moment he slammed his hands on the table, he just can't sit there, waiting on him. He wanted to open his mouth, to say anything. Unable to suppress it, the masked of stoicism melted with a cool fury as tears streamed down.

Wei Wuxian is pushing him away again. Then chasing after him out of the bar, speaking quickly within an earshot. While the man never yells in his life, he yells out of desperation to save him and get him back.

"You don't know or not interested? Not cultivation? Not talking to me or seeking my help? Not thinking about finding a way back home and leave everything behind? What are you playing me for?"

Heaving a sigh, he did lose focus and motivation. Feeling useless again. "Fine then. Go ahead. Run away. Back to your cave. Where else you'll be going? All I ever wanted is taking you back home to Gusu and helped you to fulfill the curse and find the man you wanted to kill. It's your life and you're wasting yourself away in this damn place. You fool. Do what you want. It's fine. It's okay."

No, not okay, but he has to let him go, surrendering him to the drink, losing him to alcohol again. He grits his teeth, growling out of frustration and anger, he turns to face the wall, and in a release of great and outburst, he punched it with his fist. The hard impact from his strength creates a hole in the wall.

Years of waiting and sacrifice, all of those lives wasted on this fool, seeking justice and making things right again. Just fuck everything.

Edited 2020-06-06 06:34 (UTC)

Wei Wuxian stopped moving when Lan Wangji yelled at him. But he never turned around. Kept his back to the man as his anger sliced through him. The man that barely said ten words to him in the course of a day is slicing his heart in two with his words. And Wei Wuxian deserved all that anger. The betrayal the other felt is entirely his fault and he can't deny it. But neither can he make it better..not in this instant and probably not in a lifetime. He only lights things on fire, he doesn't know how to extinguish the flames.

And perhaps it is better this way...for Lan Wangji to hate him just as everyone else does. Makes life simpler. The single plank bridge is the one he chose to walk on and so he's familiar with it. He knows how to be alone. Running away is exactly what he wanted to do. Just like when he first saw Lan Wangji at Mo village. He couldn't handle seeing the people he knew in his past life and yet one after another they kept showing up. It was inescapable..just like this place.

The sound of a fist hitting the wall makes him flinch. And still he doesn't turn. He can't or else the tears that have left tracks once again down his cheeks would be seen. This is fine. This is exactly what he deserves. Keep his voice as steady as he possibly can, he finally responds.

He doesn't want to kill anyone. He doesn't want any more blood on his hands. The curse had been merely an after thought when they were trying to solve the case of the possessed body parts. And he certainly didn't ask for Lan Wangji's help to try and find out who Mo Xuanyu hated so much.

"Yeah. It's okay. Did you ever stop and wonder why this place doesn't bother me? Maybe because here, no one asks anything of me. No one expects me to play the part of the Yilling Patriarch. No one is afraid of me or wants me dead. And despite that..do you know what I've been doing? I've talked to every staff member. Every person I encounter. I've gathered every ounce of data I can possibly find..all because I haven't settled. Because I want to find the crack in the wall and see if any of the people here are connected in some way. Because someday I do want to get home and the only way to do that is to smile, ask questions and put on the most pleasant face anyone would want to see."

He's always wasted his life so why should this place be any different..He'll just go back to being the Yilling Patriarch. He'll get his powers back and he'll just make everyone kneel. He'll get his answers the only way anyone gets anything. Through fear.

"I am a fool. I never claimed I wasn't. I only know how to behave foolishly. I came to apologize. To make things right. But..nevermind. It's better this way. I'll just keep walking this single plank bridge."

No complicated feelings. Just..no feelings at all. He starts to walk again, unable to look Lan Wangji in the face and show just how not okay any of this was.

As soon as his display of anger and outbursts left him, he is overcome with shame to see what he has done. He sees the hole in the wall and his bleeding fist. He remembered letting loose his fury over trees over his own guilt.

Afterward, he doesn't know what came over him. He just stood there, listening to his sincere plea and doesn't realize how much of his past is a burden to him. Emotions are raw at this point. Their hearts are fighting. In this place, he is free, and yet, it won't fix or solve anything as long they're in place. Yes, he is hurt, but not in a way Wei Wuxian thinks.

Slowly, he looks at him only to see his back, and then as he slowly walks away...

Only to have Lan Wangji follow him and reached out to hold his hand.

"Wei Ying. Listen. No. I'm a bigger fool here. I wanted to apologize as well. Forgive me. Even if you don't feel or see the same way as me, I..."

He held his hand tighter, knowing Wei Wuxian can pull away and ran away, not listening to him, discarding his own feelings. Motivated by his own deep regrets.

"Don't walk that bridge alone. On the other side, where you go, it's dark."

Wei Wuxian is used to the dark. He spent three months in it and then even more time trying not to succumb to it. He's sure that if he had to he could easily fall right back into that life that made everyone so fearful. But it's not what he wants. He wants to enjoy his time with Lan Wangji..but now there is a wall that he can't quite climb over quite yet.

It's a wall of insecurity and self loathing. He hates what he has put this man through. Apparently the pain he caused running even deeper then he thought. Lan wangji's words ring through his mind, echoing in his ears, almost deafening to the point where nothing else will register.

"You'll only get hurt by my side, Hanguang-Jun. I've already hurt your heart and now you are physically hurt because of me. You're better off forgetting I even exist."

If he could erase his existence or his memory from Lan wangji's mind and save him from the pain, then he would do it. It doesn't matter how much he hurts as long as Lan Wangji doesn't have to endure it.

"Your future is in the light, where mine will always be in the dark."

Gently he lets his hand go, feeling his pain and his hurt. This one obstacle where Wei Wuxian always puts up a wall between him and others because of his actions. This same wall Lan Wangji put up, raised by discipline, rules, and routine and doing the right thing.

"What went through your mind that caused this fear? Don't be selfish. I can't forget. I never have forgotten you for all of these years. Don't ask me to forget. The light is meant to be shared and it's something I happily give."

Taking a deep breath, searching his words. "I don't deserve a second chance. I know you hated the rules and you wanted to run." He confessed. "I made you fear me. I…I lost my temper because I thought I lost you to the darkness and the drink, and everything else. I want you back because I cherished you, I truly do despite how many times you refused. If your place is dark, then...let me walk with you until it's dark. I don't think it would be so bad."

And anyway, the bar is the only place where they offer the strongest drink, so reluctantly, he's trying and attempt to tug Wei Wuxian back to the bar.

"Come back and let's go back. I'll take it all back if only you will."

Wei Wuxian shakes his head. He no longer wants to go in that place. Lan Wangji dumped his drink, accused him of wasting his life because of it. The last thing he wanted was to go back in there.

"You should go take care of your hand, Hanguang-Jun. You don't need to be drinking with a selfish fool."

Lan Wangji's words when he yelled hurt. And perhaps they hurt more because of who they came from. If it had been anyone else he would have shrugged it off, smiled and found a way to forget. But this is the one person whose words he takes to heart.

"Apologies can come another time. I..am not mad at you. Everything is my fault and I know it. But I can't just smile and shake it off right now."

He would like to but he needs to do some soul searching first. And the one thing he can't do is pretend everything is fine in front of Lan Wangji.

At his offer of a second chance, he's being rejected. Yet again. It's a feeling he was used to, accustomed to, an old pain that he knows so well. He hurt him and said things that he shouldn't have said and he can't take it back.

"Wei Ying..."

Heaving a sigh, seeing this is a time they have to part yet again to do some soul searching, and be apart to be alone again, and let him go.

"All right."

But then a pause, "Thank you for your help. When I lost my voice. Now I wish..." He hasn't said anything at all. All because he's jealous of him choosing the drink over him. "That you let me in as I have let you in."

Unable to stay any longer, tire of arguing with him and fighting with him, he turns to take his leave to give his friend some space, freedom, and reprieve of him.

The more Lan Wangji says, the more the stake in his heart gets pushed in. He's too broken at this moment to say anything more. Anything he says will just make things worse.

And so he starts walking. To where..he doesn't know. But he needs air. He needs space. He needs a chance to clear his head. None of which will happen in this spot. He wished there was a roof he could climb on top of so he could stare up at the stars and forget everything.

But that isn't possible here. So instead he just walks. He doesn't go back to his room. He has spent too much time in that place lately. He goes around the hotel, never actually seeing where he is going but rather just walking aimlessly as he tries to clear his head.

Eventually he will give up and return to his room, living in seclusion until he can gain the mental and physical strength to move on. Sometimes a haunting flute sound can be heard through the halls of the hotel as Wei Wuxian finds a quiet place to play. Sometimes he meditates and tries to find answers through silence. And sometimes he simply lays in bed and lets his emotions drain onto his pillow.

He will heal..in time.

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Lust, forgetful of future suffering, hurries us along the forbidden path

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